Step out of Anger

The book Anger describes four important steps that are helpful in working through anger. You may need professional help working through anger, so don't be afraid to seek it if you recognize these symptoms and can't get in touch with your anger. Hospitals as well as other companies have employee assistance programs just for this reason, and they're a good place to start. The first step is to recognize that you are angry. Anger that you are aware of is much less harmful than unrecognized or unadmitted anger. It is essential to uncover your feelings to begin. Look for the words and phrases that express anger like ''disappointed,'' ''frustrated,'' ''let down,'' ''unhappy,'' ''fed up,'' ''annoyed,'' ''harassed,'' ''hurt,'' or ''ready to explode.'' If you feel guilty or sense that the anger is unjustified, this will make you pass judgment on your feelings and you will not be able to move passed the first step.

Once you recognize that you are angry, you want to identify the source of the anger. This may be obvious, or it may be very subtle. If you are angry at your boss, you may displace your anger on coworkers, patients, family, or your spouse and children at home. You may feel guilty about anger toward your parents and find that you are exploding at other people. It may be difficult to acknowledge your anger, especially if you think your parents had good intentions. The source of anger may be obvious, or it may seem to be obvious, but it is often really displaced from some other source.

Once you know you're angry and know the source, you then want to understand why you are angry. Frequently people overreact as a way of denying the opposite true feeling. The seemingly sweet person may not be really sweet at all, but a bitter, angry individual, and because we sense this, we find such people distasteful to be around. A mother can be overprotective to cover feelings of resentment toward a child. You want to ask yourself whether your reason for being angry is realistic. If you are angry because you didn't get what you were told you would get, that is a realistic reason. However, if you are angry that you are not getting special consideration, that is not realistic.



Another aspect of whether anger is realistic is the important distinction between the fact that people do stupid things, and that they do the stupid things to you. For example, you have a right to be angry with a careless driver, but if you take it personally, it can result in a great deal of resentment. You ought to say, "How could he do that stupid thing?" - which is realistic and appropriate - not "How could he do that stupid thing to me?" It is amazing the difference it makes to not take it personally. If you say that you hate it when people attack you, you will have a very different experience than if you realize that their yelling is simply about them. You can then deal with your own feelings instead of feeling compelled to fix or change other people.

The fourth step is to deal with anger realistically. Obviously, a direct expression of anger is not always the best solution. When you know who has made you angry, why you are angry, and that the anger has a reasonable cause, a confrontation with the person provoking the anger may resolve the problem. However, anger is more difficult to deal with when the cause is not realistic. The basic problem is within you and may require a good deal of effort and patience to solve. Many times the person you are having problems with is also dealing with problems within himself or herself. The best way to resolve these situations is by increased communication and by detaching from the outcome. In the case of a coworker, taking the time to understand each other's perspectives will ease the tension between you.

As with any skill, the four steps in dealing with anger are easier said than done. Unfortunately, life is complex and makes these steps difficult to carry out. Stay in touch with the fact that people only make changes when it is too difficult to keep doing the same thing. It is the times of struggle that bring the most growth. You need just the right amount of movement and turbulence to grow. Understanding your anger will keep it from working against you.

Knowing how to work well with others requires knowing how to deal with anger and conflict. To provide a workshop for your staff see our website at www.DorisYoungAssociates.com.

About the Author

Doris Young has 30 years of healthcare experience with dozens of training and coaching programs to develop and improve performance. These programs can help improve communication and ease frustration and conflict while developing effective mangers to take healthcare teams to the next level.

Contact Doris at 800 673-8005 or at www.DorisYoungAssociates.com